For most of the first 24 years of my life, I lived within about two hours of my parents. For college, I transferred to a new college my sophomore year to be closer to home. After graduation, I lived with my parents for a year as I searched for a job. It wasn’t until I was nearly a quarter of a century old that I made a major change: moving across the country. My boyfriend at the time (now husband) and I packed up our bags in the northeast and headed down to Florida, a state where we still live.
I remember feeling so proud of myself at the time — after yearning to have a close connection to home for years and years, I was finally starting to feel some independence as I went out on my own. And for the first few years, we thrived. I still saw my parents a few times a year flying back and forth (ah, the freedom of pre-parenthood), and I felt proud of the life my partner and I had made hours and hours away from each of our homes.
But that feeling changed pretty drastically after we had our first child. By that point, my parents had moved quite a bit closer, leaving the northeast for a home in Florida. However, despite being in the same state, they live about four hours away, with my husband’s parents still a few hours’ flight away in the northeast.
Nothing in my adult life made me yearn to have my family nearby as much as having a kid. For the first time, we were dealing with having to balance work with a sick child, or looking for someone to watch her when we wanted a few hours to ourselves. I realized what I wanted — what I needed — was that village that people always talk about. But how does one get that when they don’t have family nearby?
I spoke with Megan Collins, a licensed marriage and family therapist and registered art therapist at NeuroArts Therapy & Counseling, about the weight of raising children without a village.
How do you raise a kid without a village?
The first thing Collins clarified was that a “village” does not have to be a biological family. “It’s about having reliable, supportive people in your life,” she explains. As for what that can include?
- Fellow parents whom you can lean on for playdates, advice, or venting sessions.
- Neighbors who check in and lend a hand when needed.
- Teachers, coaches, and mentors who support your child’s growth.
- Therapists, parenting groups, and online communities provide emotional support.
Collins pointed out that two to three deeply supportive people can reduce stress, improve well-being, and even help us live longer.
But how do you go about building your own village?
For me, the idea of building my own village has always felt overwhelming. I have never been someone who has made adult friends easily (social anxiety is a killer), and that has become even more difficult with the time constraints of work and a child.
However, Collins shared that the best tip for building your own village is to start small. “Friendships take time. Begin with casual chats at school pickups, playgrounds, or community events,” she says. Join parent groups at libraries, community centers, or faith-based organizations. Create shared routines — school carpools, babysitting swaps, or meal rotations build connections.”
She also explained the importance of being open about needing support, which is something I know I have personally struggled with. “Vulnerability fosters more profound relationships,” she explains. “[You can even] find online communities — virtual support can ease feelings of isolation.”
Why is finding your own village so hard?
For me, the aspect of having my parents nearby that has been so missed is the ability to ask for help without guilt. For example, my daughter has been going through a (ahem, lovely) sleep regression for the past few months. She will not fall asleep unless someone is in the room with her, something that has been exhausting for both her and us as her parents.
While I would feel less guilty about receiving help with this stage from someone like my mother, I have struggled a lot with allowing myself to hire a babysitter to deal with it. I’ve put off several date nights with my husband because I feel so much guilt about making someone outside my family deal with a toddler who simply won’t go to sleep.
Turns out, the hesitation to ask for help is a pretty common parental problem. “Many parents feel pressure to ‘do it all’ alone due to societal expectations of self-sufficiency,” Collins says. “Others hesitate because they fear being a burden, fear rejection, worry about judgment, or feel guilt for not ‘having it all together.'”
Changing your mindset
For myself, I know the fear of being a burden and the feeling of guilt over not ‘having it all together’ certainly play a part in not asking for help. As for how to get over that guilt? “Reframe [asking for help] as a strength, not a weakness,” Collins recommends. “Asking for help isn’t failing — it’s creating a stronger foundation for your family.”
She suggested shifting your focus from “perfection” to connection and being open about your struggles to foster genuine relationships. Allowing your kids to see you ask for help and create genuine friendships can help them learn it’s always OK to ask for support.
“Raising kids far from family can feel overwhelming, but connection is key,” Collins says. “Community makes parenting more joyful, sustainable, and less isolating — and building those relationships starts with small, intentional steps. Letting go of guilt and embracing support can transform the experience of parenthood.”
